My Own Personal Enemy

Is... Myself, well my weight. Derek asked me why I used an old picture as my "icon pic" and truthfully the answer is because I'm ashamed of the way I look now and wish I looked that way again!

I have decided that if I publicly put myself out there maybe I'll be more motivated to change. Yes, I do look at my situation like, "It took 9 months to put on; so, it should take 9 months to remove" but I'm already 1/4 of the way there and have GAINED weight since our 6 week pp check-up!! I also figure that if you are reading this you love me for me and I can't deny my weight issues and you already know I have them.

So if you give me shit for looking the way I do after having a baby then I will come to your house and cut your feet of in your sleep :P

Ugh- I just FEEL awful and can't stand it anymore so lo-and-behold a photo montage of the many looks of Evie:

I think this is the heaviest I have ever been - 2004 - (and the longest my hair has ever been). The beginning of my first big weight loss (for our wedding) this was May 07 - at John and Caroline's wedding. ALSO what I hope to look like again!

I had lost 35 pounds at this pointJuly 07 - Still wanted to lose another 30 but never happened.
NOW
FOR
THE
PREGNANT
BELLY

ONE WEEK before delivery

NOW
FOR
THE
AFTERMATH!

3 months after delivery (yes stretchmarks and all - which I didn't get til the last few weeks)
Side view - notice how AWFUL my posture is?!
From the front - Growing my hair out and shrinking my tummy - Hopefully!

xoxox

3 months old already!!!

Just in case you didn't know "Im this many"!!!!Yep, Just about anything makes me smile nowadays!Ugh- I have my momma's feet!!
Hi - Im cute!!
Elmo Rocks!
Sorry - I got nothing for this one :P
Semi sitting alone and what I call her "Old Man Look!"

xoxox

another videeeeooooo

about a minute in Bev keeps laying Josie on her belly and she just keeps plopping over :) if only she would do it for me now!! Thats Lexus btw and Im sure the sound is messed up on this one too - I still don't know why though.

xoxox

Just like AA but without the smell!

Yep, thats my little JuJuBe sleeping, sucking her thumb. Thats our video monitor I got for Christmas. It can be linked to our TV and we can split-screen it. So everynight while Im here I have that to look at just to be sure she is okay :)

Okay so I'm not sure if I ever wrote about this yet (I tried to scan back through and I didn't see anything but who knows)....

ME... "HI, My name is Evie and I have Post Partum Depression!"

Everyone... "Hi Evie"

I don't believe I am still suffering from PPD but I 100% believe I was for a few weeks (weeks 2 through 5) of Josie's life. I was totally not me. I am in a study through Magee Women's Hospital and honestly felt a huge weight lift off my chest once I started talking about it.

How I felt: Trapped, Isolated, Suffocating, Alone, Empty and much more.

What I did: NOTHING - I refused to talk to anyone and did whatever I could to avoid conversations and lied to people and told them I felt fine. Was this because I was embarrassed, No. I think its just a way I dealt with it, I felt empty I had no feelings so I didn't want to talk about anything.

What helped: Well one day I was at my lowest I think and finally went outside while Derek was smoking and just started bawling my eyes out and talked with him in the freezing cold. I just didn't want to feel that way any longer. I wanted to be myself again.

I didn't have a severe case, I don't think, because I never got to the point of not wanting to care for Jossalyn I just didn't really care about her. (I know that sounds awful but its the truth) I nursed her and did everything I needed to do but I didn't feel attached to her or "overly" loving toward her. I was just there. I did however blame her for the way I felt, like "If I didn't have a baby I would be sleeping right now in bed with my husband" you know stupid stuff; Now do you see why I made such a big deal about actually falling in love with her?!

But worse I didn't care about myself or Derek. I just was going about each day, doing what I needed to to get through the day. Josie wasn't sleeping well yet so I was sleeping on the couch and Derek was in the bedroom so I never had any alone time with him and didn't sleep in my bed for almost 3 weeks. I wasn't sleeping (more than an hour or so at a time) so being sleep deprived really attributed to this. Derek would ask me what was wrong or if I wanted to talk and I would just say No or Nothing.

It was really odd though because I never really felt that way during the day but as soon as it started to get dark my chest started to feel really heavy and the tension in my head started to build. It was like I was terrified of being alone in the house with her for that long with no one to come in and help me. (Yes Derek was there but I breastfeed so really there is no help)

Truthfully if Derek's mom didn't come over every few days to sit with Josie while I showered or just went in sat by myself I think I would have been a lot worse off but she was a huge help. Even Derek's sister just told me she was worried about me because I "just wasn't me".

PPD is a serious issue that a lot of women have a lot worse than I did/do but I am just amazed that someone as 'upbeat' as me can also get this. Its not something that you just get though, its a hormonal imbalance.

I can tell that I still have a little bit of a problem though because I still get really bummed at night time - and Josie sleeps from 8-8 basically (imagine if she was up every 2/3 hours!) I just can't seem to shake the last bit of it but at least I am aware of it, right?

For example:

Tonight I went up my mom's for dinner with my gp's when Derek went to work. I just felt awful and wasn't very talkative. (Defiantly not like me :P) We have Lexi's baptism tomorrow and I don't have anything to wear that I can easily nurse in and that instantly made me feel shitty but I just down-spiraled after that. We were sitting around watching TV and the conversation of having more children came up. (after a long lecture on politics but that's a WHOLE different post but if you do know me you know I refuse to speak politics with my family) I said I didn't want more children. (at least not right now, maybe 3 years from now.. MAYBE)

All 3 of them; my mom, my gram & my pap, jumped down my throat. YOU HAVE TO HAVE MORE KIDS. I was shocked. I said I thought it would be irresponsible for us to have more kids that we can't afford. My mom actually said "Its irresponsible for you to NOT have more kids" and "What can't you afford, do you think that your dad and I could afford you guys, affording has nothing to do with it!" OMG REALLY!? Now if you know my family you know we are very fortunate to have my grandparents who are the financial backbone to our family but I couldn't believe this conversation. Then my pap had to pull a guilt trip on me "Take it from me, we learned our lesson the hard way" Side-note: My grandparents had two kids my mom and my uncle. Well, in 1994 my uncle committed suicide - he was bipolar.

I couldn't believe this conversation was happening. I just got quite and got up and started getting my stuff together to leave. My mom called me a "grouch" and asked what was wrong with me, "your always in such a bad mood" Granted I never told her I was diagnosed with PPD but you would think she would ask or be supportive about me being in a bad mood, NOPE!

She called me the other morning here was our conversation: (it was 8 am and I was half asleep and nursing Josie)

Her- "hi"

Me- "ugh, huff, Hi"

Her- "what are you doing"

Me- "nursing her"

Her- "whats wrong with you"

Me- "nothing I'm tired"

Her- "your always in such a bitchy mood, you know no one ever said this was going to be easy - WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD"

Me- "Jesus Christ, what did you want"

I don't remember what was said after that, It was probably something dumb that could've waited or wasn't necessary or that she's told me a million times but hey whatever

And this is coming from the woman who used to make me this for breakfast, yum-o comfort food, Cream of Wheat with milk & sugar and a little bit of Chocolate syrup. She would draw hearts or an 'E' for Evie in it! (This was my after-dinner-snack today!)

Sometimes I just want to run away.

xoxox

P.s. She is laughing in her sleep right now, totally helped me feel better after writing all that! God, I really do love her!

Big Sigh

Expect a really long post tonight, Im actually typing it now. I had a really pooptastical day!

xoxox

Roly Poly Josie

Yep 12 weeks old and rolling like a crazy bug!! I told you Im not a liar!! I'll post more later Im off to my moms for dinner while Derek is at work.

FYI: that is not me that is Brooke (I was at work - Yes I missed her first rolls :( boooo!) AND I think the sound is messed up, Sorry!

xoxox

Just a few pictures

Im cleaning so Im not going to actually write anything tonight but expect some crazy important video and big update this weekend sometime!! :) I know intense right and now you'll be checking back 24/7 !!

This is Josie (right - duh!) and Lexus (left) they are exactly 1 month apart. Both 22 inches and Josie was 10.15 pounds and Lexus was 9.15 pounds at their last Pedi appointment (which was on the same day too!)

xoxox

Vid-e-yo!

Seriously this is 2 mins of pure baby! Definatly could've been editted to only about 30 seconds but suck it I don't know how to do that! I still haven't gotten her high pitched "squell" on camera yet but I will don't you worry!!

[URL="http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=2938y02&s=5"]View My Video[/URL]

EDIT: I also can't get the video to actually show up in here so just CLICKY CLICKY above!

xoxox

I cry over spilt milk!

Well we just got back from our fabulous but not so fabulous weekend get-a-way. Derek got called into work so we had to come home early. The trip just started out bad so I should've known that things were gonna not be so great. I lost 3+ oz of milk from our bottles since I didn't take into consideration that we were going up in elevation and the gas in the Dr. Brown's bottles causes them to leak like crazy!!! Yep that sucked because that stuff is like precious gold to me! EVERY.DROP.COUNTS!

Shit just for the assembly it takes each day sucks, this is what my counter looks like every morning before I have to go to work. I love our bottles but Jesus it takes FOREVER to fill and assemble them. I am always OH so careful to not spill them too (note the big ass measuring cup instead of just pouring the milk from the storage bags). Oh well there's nothing I can do about that.

Then to boot on our way home we got into a little accident. Seriously not even a minute away from our lake house too! Someone else got into a wreak on the hill that leads you up to the main street and when we went to pass them we started sliding and almost hit into them but luckily stopped less than 5 feet away from their van. BUT someone else was behind us and they started sliding and their truck went sideways and bumped us into the hill and broke our back taillight (well my grandparents back taillight :P) Worse yet it took 1 hour and 30 mins for a tow truck to come and pull us out from here!! AND charged us $75 to do so!! Ugh - and didn't tell us what the cost was until he already did it, I was pissed cause I have AAA but hopefully our insurance will reimburse us. It doesn't look that bad but it was so slick that you couldn't even walk on the road before we could get towed they had to have an ash truck come and do all around us!

NOTE: See Hunter in the back! She's protecting Josiebe!

Yep we weren't too happy about all this!!

Generally speaking though the weekend its self wasn't too bad. I wanted to take some pictures of Jossalyn out in the snow but she was NOT having anything to do with it!! AND I dropped my camera in the snow (all 8-10 inches of it) before taking the pictures so the condensation made the top of all the pictures blurry. She kept arching her back and almost slipping out of her seat and was not cooperating at all.

SUCK IT, I'm a bad mommy I wanted a picture SO bad!I don't care though she's still cute as all crap even when she's pissed off!

But as soon as we went inside she was happy as a clam! She is really starting to giggle more and more and loves to be talked to. She will mimic you if you smile really big now, it really is the cutest thing in the world and can make the worst day better!! She squeals she laughs so hard sometimes and has this high pitched noise she makes that's almost a scream/laugh I don't know how to explain it but I would love to know what she's thinking when she does it!

Woah - Really keeping our head up now! She is getting SO strong!

BIG SMILES!!

She likes to be tickled!

So seriously, I'm sorry, but I am addicted to take videos of this little girl. Most of them are just her laying on her play mat and every once and awhile she'll coo or do something cute. I figure you aren't reading this until you are either 1. REALLY bored 2. You love Josie as much as we do (well close enough!) 3. You like reading about/seeing babies SO - there will be plenty more of pure babyness. Yes this is what my day consists of!!

Enjoy - I'll be back later!

xoxox

FrFrFraaEEzzzing!

Okay seriously its like negative a million degrees! Our furnace has been running for HOURS and its not heating up in here. It seriously feels like I have the front door open. Brrrr.

I'm power pumping tonight to help my supply. For some reason I've dropped my pumped production the week and I need to build it back up. I think its stress so maybe. I keep getting migraines every night and they are getting worse. I may have to go back to the doctor to get checked because its getting annoying. They are getting to the point where light/sound/smell makes me want to cry.

I hate power pumping though because by the end of it I feel like my boobs were in a vice grip for hours. (btw pp is 20 mins pumping 10 min break then 10 mins pumping then another 10 min break then repeat as many times as you can handle.... however sucky it helps!) I'm on my "break" now but only 3 more minutes :(

Josies been down since 8 and I have us all packed up for our weekend vacation to the lake house. I can't wait there's about 10 in. of snow and even colder up there but hey its a vacation and I'm stoked to just sit in front of the fireplace!! Derek got called into work tonight so he won't be home til almost 4 probably and I'll out ... hopefully ... visiting la la land!

Is it sad that I don't have a whole lot to report on the Josie front because I swear I barely saw her for the past 4 days. Ive been working 9-4 and by the time I get home and feed her and play for a little bit its time for her to go to sleep and then she wakes at 7 I feed her get a shower and shes off to either my mom's or derek's mom's for the day. :( I will say that I miss her though. EXTREMELY! I love when I go in her room in the morning and she's crying but as soon as she hears my voice and sees me she instantly gets quite and a HUGE grin comes to her face.

Right now ... life is good!

xoxox

- sorry no new pictures. I will be taking MANY this weekend though!
Urgh - 10 mins up