My Own Personal Enemy

Is... Myself, well my weight. Derek asked me why I used an old picture as my "icon pic" and truthfully the answer is because I'm ashamed of the way I look now and wish I looked that way again!

I have decided that if I publicly put myself out there maybe I'll be more motivated to change. Yes, I do look at my situation like, "It took 9 months to put on; so, it should take 9 months to remove" but I'm already 1/4 of the way there and have GAINED weight since our 6 week pp check-up!! I also figure that if you are reading this you love me for me and I can't deny my weight issues and you already know I have them.

So if you give me shit for looking the way I do after having a baby then I will come to your house and cut your feet of in your sleep :P

Ugh- I just FEEL awful and can't stand it anymore so lo-and-behold a photo montage of the many looks of Evie:

I think this is the heaviest I have ever been - 2004 - (and the longest my hair has ever been). The beginning of my first big weight loss (for our wedding) this was May 07 - at John and Caroline's wedding. ALSO what I hope to look like again!

I had lost 35 pounds at this pointJuly 07 - Still wanted to lose another 30 but never happened.
NOW
FOR
THE
PREGNANT
BELLY

ONE WEEK before delivery

NOW
FOR
THE
AFTERMATH!

3 months after delivery (yes stretchmarks and all - which I didn't get til the last few weeks)
Side view - notice how AWFUL my posture is?!
From the front - Growing my hair out and shrinking my tummy - Hopefully!

xoxox

3 months old already!!!

Just in case you didn't know "Im this many"!!!!Yep, Just about anything makes me smile nowadays!Ugh- I have my momma's feet!!
Hi - Im cute!!
Elmo Rocks!
Sorry - I got nothing for this one :P
Semi sitting alone and what I call her "Old Man Look!"

xoxox

another videeeeooooo

about a minute in Bev keeps laying Josie on her belly and she just keeps plopping over :) if only she would do it for me now!! Thats Lexus btw and Im sure the sound is messed up on this one too - I still don't know why though.

xoxox

Just like AA but without the smell!

Yep, thats my little JuJuBe sleeping, sucking her thumb. Thats our video monitor I got for Christmas. It can be linked to our TV and we can split-screen it. So everynight while Im here I have that to look at just to be sure she is okay :)

Okay so I'm not sure if I ever wrote about this yet (I tried to scan back through and I didn't see anything but who knows)....

ME... "HI, My name is Evie and I have Post Partum Depression!"

Everyone... "Hi Evie"

I don't believe I am still suffering from PPD but I 100% believe I was for a few weeks (weeks 2 through 5) of Josie's life. I was totally not me. I am in a study through Magee Women's Hospital and honestly felt a huge weight lift off my chest once I started talking about it.

How I felt: Trapped, Isolated, Suffocating, Alone, Empty and much more.

What I did: NOTHING - I refused to talk to anyone and did whatever I could to avoid conversations and lied to people and told them I felt fine. Was this because I was embarrassed, No. I think its just a way I dealt with it, I felt empty I had no feelings so I didn't want to talk about anything.

What helped: Well one day I was at my lowest I think and finally went outside while Derek was smoking and just started bawling my eyes out and talked with him in the freezing cold. I just didn't want to feel that way any longer. I wanted to be myself again.

I didn't have a severe case, I don't think, because I never got to the point of not wanting to care for Jossalyn I just didn't really care about her. (I know that sounds awful but its the truth) I nursed her and did everything I needed to do but I didn't feel attached to her or "overly" loving toward her. I was just there. I did however blame her for the way I felt, like "If I didn't have a baby I would be sleeping right now in bed with my husband" you know stupid stuff; Now do you see why I made such a big deal about actually falling in love with her?!

But worse I didn't care about myself or Derek. I just was going about each day, doing what I needed to to get through the day. Josie wasn't sleeping well yet so I was sleeping on the couch and Derek was in the bedroom so I never had any alone time with him and didn't sleep in my bed for almost 3 weeks. I wasn't sleeping (more than an hour or so at a time) so being sleep deprived really attributed to this. Derek would ask me what was wrong or if I wanted to talk and I would just say No or Nothing.

It was really odd though because I never really felt that way during the day but as soon as it started to get dark my chest started to feel really heavy and the tension in my head started to build. It was like I was terrified of being alone in the house with her for that long with no one to come in and help me. (Yes Derek was there but I breastfeed so really there is no help)

Truthfully if Derek's mom didn't come over every few days to sit with Josie while I showered or just went in sat by myself I think I would have been a lot worse off but she was a huge help. Even Derek's sister just told me she was worried about me because I "just wasn't me".

PPD is a serious issue that a lot of women have a lot worse than I did/do but I am just amazed that someone as 'upbeat' as me can also get this. Its not something that you just get though, its a hormonal imbalance.

I can tell that I still have a little bit of a problem though because I still get really bummed at night time - and Josie sleeps from 8-8 basically (imagine if she was up every 2/3 hours!) I just can't seem to shake the last bit of it but at least I am aware of it, right?

For example:

Tonight I went up my mom's for dinner with my gp's when Derek went to work. I just felt awful and wasn't very talkative. (Defiantly not like me :P) We have Lexi's baptism tomorrow and I don't have anything to wear that I can easily nurse in and that instantly made me feel shitty but I just down-spiraled after that. We were sitting around watching TV and the conversation of having more children came up. (after a long lecture on politics but that's a WHOLE different post but if you do know me you know I refuse to speak politics with my family) I said I didn't want more children. (at least not right now, maybe 3 years from now.. MAYBE)

All 3 of them; my mom, my gram & my pap, jumped down my throat. YOU HAVE TO HAVE MORE KIDS. I was shocked. I said I thought it would be irresponsible for us to have more kids that we can't afford. My mom actually said "Its irresponsible for you to NOT have more kids" and "What can't you afford, do you think that your dad and I could afford you guys, affording has nothing to do with it!" OMG REALLY!? Now if you know my family you know we are very fortunate to have my grandparents who are the financial backbone to our family but I couldn't believe this conversation. Then my pap had to pull a guilt trip on me "Take it from me, we learned our lesson the hard way" Side-note: My grandparents had two kids my mom and my uncle. Well, in 1994 my uncle committed suicide - he was bipolar.

I couldn't believe this conversation was happening. I just got quite and got up and started getting my stuff together to leave. My mom called me a "grouch" and asked what was wrong with me, "your always in such a bad mood" Granted I never told her I was diagnosed with PPD but you would think she would ask or be supportive about me being in a bad mood, NOPE!

She called me the other morning here was our conversation: (it was 8 am and I was half asleep and nursing Josie)

Her- "hi"

Me- "ugh, huff, Hi"

Her- "what are you doing"

Me- "nursing her"

Her- "whats wrong with you"

Me- "nothing I'm tired"

Her- "your always in such a bitchy mood, you know no one ever said this was going to be easy - WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD"

Me- "Jesus Christ, what did you want"

I don't remember what was said after that, It was probably something dumb that could've waited or wasn't necessary or that she's told me a million times but hey whatever

And this is coming from the woman who used to make me this for breakfast, yum-o comfort food, Cream of Wheat with milk & sugar and a little bit of Chocolate syrup. She would draw hearts or an 'E' for Evie in it! (This was my after-dinner-snack today!)

Sometimes I just want to run away.

xoxox

P.s. She is laughing in her sleep right now, totally helped me feel better after writing all that! God, I really do love her!

Big Sigh

Expect a really long post tonight, Im actually typing it now. I had a really pooptastical day!

xoxox

Roly Poly Josie

Yep 12 weeks old and rolling like a crazy bug!! I told you Im not a liar!! I'll post more later Im off to my moms for dinner while Derek is at work.

FYI: that is not me that is Brooke (I was at work - Yes I missed her first rolls :( boooo!) AND I think the sound is messed up, Sorry!

xoxox

Just a few pictures

Im cleaning so Im not going to actually write anything tonight but expect some crazy important video and big update this weekend sometime!! :) I know intense right and now you'll be checking back 24/7 !!

This is Josie (right - duh!) and Lexus (left) they are exactly 1 month apart. Both 22 inches and Josie was 10.15 pounds and Lexus was 9.15 pounds at their last Pedi appointment (which was on the same day too!)

xoxox

Vid-e-yo!

Seriously this is 2 mins of pure baby! Definatly could've been editted to only about 30 seconds but suck it I don't know how to do that! I still haven't gotten her high pitched "squell" on camera yet but I will don't you worry!!

[URL="http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=2938y02&s=5"]View My Video[/URL]

EDIT: I also can't get the video to actually show up in here so just CLICKY CLICKY above!

xoxox

I cry over spilt milk!

Well we just got back from our fabulous but not so fabulous weekend get-a-way. Derek got called into work so we had to come home early. The trip just started out bad so I should've known that things were gonna not be so great. I lost 3+ oz of milk from our bottles since I didn't take into consideration that we were going up in elevation and the gas in the Dr. Brown's bottles causes them to leak like crazy!!! Yep that sucked because that stuff is like precious gold to me! EVERY.DROP.COUNTS!

Shit just for the assembly it takes each day sucks, this is what my counter looks like every morning before I have to go to work. I love our bottles but Jesus it takes FOREVER to fill and assemble them. I am always OH so careful to not spill them too (note the big ass measuring cup instead of just pouring the milk from the storage bags). Oh well there's nothing I can do about that.

Then to boot on our way home we got into a little accident. Seriously not even a minute away from our lake house too! Someone else got into a wreak on the hill that leads you up to the main street and when we went to pass them we started sliding and almost hit into them but luckily stopped less than 5 feet away from their van. BUT someone else was behind us and they started sliding and their truck went sideways and bumped us into the hill and broke our back taillight (well my grandparents back taillight :P) Worse yet it took 1 hour and 30 mins for a tow truck to come and pull us out from here!! AND charged us $75 to do so!! Ugh - and didn't tell us what the cost was until he already did it, I was pissed cause I have AAA but hopefully our insurance will reimburse us. It doesn't look that bad but it was so slick that you couldn't even walk on the road before we could get towed they had to have an ash truck come and do all around us!

NOTE: See Hunter in the back! She's protecting Josiebe!

Yep we weren't too happy about all this!!

Generally speaking though the weekend its self wasn't too bad. I wanted to take some pictures of Jossalyn out in the snow but she was NOT having anything to do with it!! AND I dropped my camera in the snow (all 8-10 inches of it) before taking the pictures so the condensation made the top of all the pictures blurry. She kept arching her back and almost slipping out of her seat and was not cooperating at all.

SUCK IT, I'm a bad mommy I wanted a picture SO bad!I don't care though she's still cute as all crap even when she's pissed off!

But as soon as we went inside she was happy as a clam! She is really starting to giggle more and more and loves to be talked to. She will mimic you if you smile really big now, it really is the cutest thing in the world and can make the worst day better!! She squeals she laughs so hard sometimes and has this high pitched noise she makes that's almost a scream/laugh I don't know how to explain it but I would love to know what she's thinking when she does it!

Woah - Really keeping our head up now! She is getting SO strong!

BIG SMILES!!

She likes to be tickled!

So seriously, I'm sorry, but I am addicted to take videos of this little girl. Most of them are just her laying on her play mat and every once and awhile she'll coo or do something cute. I figure you aren't reading this until you are either 1. REALLY bored 2. You love Josie as much as we do (well close enough!) 3. You like reading about/seeing babies SO - there will be plenty more of pure babyness. Yes this is what my day consists of!!

Enjoy - I'll be back later!

xoxox

FrFrFraaEEzzzing!

Okay seriously its like negative a million degrees! Our furnace has been running for HOURS and its not heating up in here. It seriously feels like I have the front door open. Brrrr.

I'm power pumping tonight to help my supply. For some reason I've dropped my pumped production the week and I need to build it back up. I think its stress so maybe. I keep getting migraines every night and they are getting worse. I may have to go back to the doctor to get checked because its getting annoying. They are getting to the point where light/sound/smell makes me want to cry.

I hate power pumping though because by the end of it I feel like my boobs were in a vice grip for hours. (btw pp is 20 mins pumping 10 min break then 10 mins pumping then another 10 min break then repeat as many times as you can handle.... however sucky it helps!) I'm on my "break" now but only 3 more minutes :(

Josies been down since 8 and I have us all packed up for our weekend vacation to the lake house. I can't wait there's about 10 in. of snow and even colder up there but hey its a vacation and I'm stoked to just sit in front of the fireplace!! Derek got called into work tonight so he won't be home til almost 4 probably and I'll out ... hopefully ... visiting la la land!

Is it sad that I don't have a whole lot to report on the Josie front because I swear I barely saw her for the past 4 days. Ive been working 9-4 and by the time I get home and feed her and play for a little bit its time for her to go to sleep and then she wakes at 7 I feed her get a shower and shes off to either my mom's or derek's mom's for the day. :( I will say that I miss her though. EXTREMELY! I love when I go in her room in the morning and she's crying but as soon as she hears my voice and sees me she instantly gets quite and a HUGE grin comes to her face.

Right now ... life is good!

xoxox

- sorry no new pictures. I will be taking MANY this weekend though!
Urgh - 10 mins up

Heavy Thoughts

So alot has been going on recently and I just haven't felt up to posting because I always knew it would end up being abunch of rambling and really long but Im gonna try and not do that.

Jossalyns in her crib, she was sleeping but now I hear laughing and cooing she is staring directly into the green light of her video monitor so Im watching her smile on the tv.
Derek is at band practice tonight - yes my husband is a rockstar - well atleast we think he is :) Its always been Dereks dream to "make it" and he has the talent to do so just not the means. Hopefully this time something will come about. *crosses fingers!*

Jo and I stayed home and took a bath. I think shes finally get the hang of it and maybe starting to like it! *GASP*

She learned to spit bubbles recently! After we were done washing I let her sit-back and relax and kick her feet around!Grr.. I want a hoodie towel SO bad! I just really liked this picture plus she has SO much hair!

We've been spending alot of time working on talking and sitting and she definatly takes those skills and puts them to good use. She loves to sit in her seat and "talk" to Mrs. Bear. She holds full conversations with this thing. I can't wait til she starts to babble more so I can record it and show you a video. Now its just a few babbles here and there and that would make watching it quite boring... well okay if you insist just be warned she only really talks for the first bit of the video then its just her sitting there!

I really don't feel like bitching tonight about all the things going on - nothing really Josie related anyways. Maybe I'll do another post when it's time to pump before bed. For now I need to finish picking up the house and getting my clothes out for work tomorrow! FYI: Shes knocked back out :) God I love her!

Oohh.. but I would like to add that she is starting to want to "roll" she was playing on her playmat this morning and I look over and she is on her side completly trying to roll over to her back (she was on her belly) but she couldn't get her arm under her to do the right thing!!

xoxox

Pictures of 2008

I have been motivated by Sadie & Higs and their 2008 favorites post series so I am doing one of my own - FAR less superior!!

Derek and his little girl ... I absolutely adore watching them together! Napping on Christmas day
Brand-new baby!

Kisses for the belly! Josie and Lex at Xmas exactly one month difference in age!
Me and Erin trying to feel Josie kick after our baby shower!

Martha Stewart can kiss my ass I am THEE Suzy Homemaker!

One of my favorite Maternity Shots!

I have an obsession with hands!

Truly my best friend ... We are 100% dorks!Our first family picture! Josie's first "Self-Take"

Hope you enjoyed they aren't anything surprising but maybe tomorrow I'll post some older photos that are in my favorites!!

xoxox

Amazingly not that bad!

So right now my little girl is laying in her crib gnawing the crap out her hand (her teeth are bothering her today) She looks so cute as I sit in the hallway (yes still) and watch her. Her motor skills are getting MUCH better - She is still a little woobaly (yes I make up my own words - suck it!) when we sit her up but she'll hold onto your fingers and give it her best try. She is however nowhere NEAR interested in bearing weight on her legs (not that I expect her to!) She can do a mini-push up and hold herself up on her forearms so she's getting there!

As for last night. drum roll please! .......

She did wake up at 3:45ish (when Derek got back from work) but never cried we could just see her in the monitor or I would have never known. Derek went in and changed her and brought her out to eat since it had been over 10 hours since she had ate last and I knew if he laid her back down she'd just want to eat soon anyways. So I fed her and went back to bed. She woke up at 7:00 hungry, I feed her and she went back to bed til 9:00. We woke up and started our day. She hasn't taken another morning nap yet and I don't think she will. So all in all not waking her wasn't a bad idea considering I got up when Derek got home anyways.

I have to work a banquet tonight, I go in around 5:30 and I probably won't be back until 10ish.... BLEH!

I need to pump again soon and see how much milk I have for her for tonight - cross your fingers that its enough. Damn pumping sucks!

... welp the sucking has stopped and I guess she is going to take a morning nap so I am going to get off and get some stuff done before she wakes up again to eat!

xoxox

GoodNight :)

Well Im gonna see if I can go to sleep .... everyone cross your fingers that I am not up at 4 or 5 am with a crying baby!!!

Lets pray for 8 or 9 (hahahah yea right!)

xoxox

Ugh- what to do... what to do!!!

So I'm not going to wake Jossalyn up... yet I just can't pull myself to do it. First off all she looks so peaceful sleeping and secondly I just don't want to have to face the consequences if I wake up a monster!

I am really hungry but don't know what to make for dinner .... grrr anyone?! Making something healthy sucks and its just me so that's even worse. I could always go for my staple of waffles or hot dogs and butter noodles!

Derek won't be back to almost 3 am probably and I still have to be awake for a few more hours because I have to get at least one more good pump in before I go to sleep. I set an alarm every night to try and wake me up to pump but I can never pull myself out of bed to actually do so but as we stand right now I only have 3 bottles for tomorrow night and I at least need 5 so... awake I stay!

I think I am falling more and more and more in love with my little one each time I feed her. At first like I have said before nursing was very difficult for me even though I from day 1 was very adamant about doing so. Not physically but emotionally. I felt very sheltered and very stuck (maybe that's the right word but it doesn't seem strong enough) by breastfeeding and actually had a breakdown and cried for a few days every night around week 4 of doing so. I was diagnosed with a slight condition of PPD and am in a study for Post Pardum Depression through the hospital but truthfully I feel wonderful now. I still have bummed out times but this is LIFE ALTERING who isn't going to be emotional?! Anyways back on track... I feel apart and weeped to Derek in the freezing cold out on the porch and felt so much better after I did so. I just couldn't handle it. But I made it through that and I am so relieved that I did. I adore sitting with her now. I'm starting to "melt" when I stare into her eyes and now she is getting better motor control over her arms/hands she "pets" me while she is eating. She just lays her hand on my chest and pets the bottom of my neck (where that dent is) its actually the most loving thing she can probably do at this point but it just seems to me that she is so comfortable with me and i image her thinking "ahhh mommy" when shes doing so.....

xoxox

Home Alone ... well not really.

Home alone with Josiebe. Derek is off to work... yes work and I'm home with our little girl while Bethany and Melissa work Octane tonight. *I don't have enough pumped to go work and its WAY to cold to take her down there, even without the smoke*

I promised myself I was gonna MEGA clean the house tonight so I could just relax on Sunday (my day off) but so far I'm being pretty lazy. I did get the kitchen done, minus washing bottles that I'll need to fill tonight for tomorrow when I'm at work and I didn't mop the floor but that's because there's a pile of stuff that needs taken down *ahem Derek* to the basement from Christmas before I do that. I also got the living room picked up and swiftered but not mopped because well I'm too lazy! There I said it!

I am however worried that Josie has been asleep since well... 5 or 6 instead of her normal 8 or 9 bedtime, does this mean I am going to be up at 4 instead of 7 am :( boooo on that! I may have to wake her up deliberately (i know i know NEVER wake a sleeping baby) and give her a bath and play for a little bit before I go to put her to bed again so I can get some sleep.

I wanted to clean her room and get her clothes put away and vacuum and clean the bathroom but that will all have to wait. I will however put all of Derek and my clothes away because I'm sick of sorting through folded laundry baskets :P

Done pumping (aren't you glad you know that now!) so I'm gonna go take a break from cleaning before I get back into it :)

Seriously how could you NOT want to kiss those cheeks?!

xoxox

Finally...

We have the self-take thing down!!!I can say I finally FEEL like a mom. Its been a VERY hard time for me lately because I just haven't felt like I was 100% bonded with Josie. I always just kinda felt like her "caregiver" and not her "mommy". Well I can say having her get her shots on Monday did it for me. She SCREAMED so hard and I got all teared up and just scooped her up and hugged her and it hit me... this is it.

This is MY daughter.

I AM her mom!

I can't believe how big she is getting already. She LOVES to "talk" to you. Even Bev said she can't believe how vocal she is already. She coo's and half laughs (she has the 'ack' sound down but can't seem to bust out an entire laugh) and loves to talk to you or her mobile or her teddy bear.

We are going to have to stop wrapping her up to sleep at night soon and I'm not looking forward to that since we are officially STTN (knock on wood) usually 8 or 9 pm until 7 or 8 am. Her naps are still not great but hey I guess its either one of the other.

We did however nap together and this is what I woke up to; Derek had taken a photo on my phone and laid it next to me... soo cute. Yes, I ALWAYS sleep with my mouth open. Yep I look awful but hey I'm working on that!
I have to hurry up and throw the dishes in the dishwasher before Derek gets home from hockey so we can give her a bath before her bedtime tonight. I need to do a bunch of other junk too but I probably won't =P

xoxox

Boobie Laughs!

Or what was close enough to a laugh.

It was at 8 am this morning when I went to feed JuJuBe for the first time I got her out of her crib, changed her, and then we sat in our chair. By this time she was screaming because she was so hungry and ready to eat (she sleeps through the night and feel asleep around 7:30 the night before). I laid her sideways across my belly on top of a boppy and was getting ready.

Well I pull my shirt up and "get myself ready" and she instantly whips out a HUGE full mouth smile and busts out this noise that I am calling a laugh or close enough to one. It was so cute.

It was like she was saying "OH THANK GOD!"

I can't wait for her to actually just giggling!!

Oh and BTW: She had a check-up this morning and she's officially 22 inches and 10.10lbs!!

xoxox

Forgot I had pictures on my Storm!

Here are 2 others from New Years Eve:

Napping on Aunt Bethany - her hands are too cute!

Using fuzzy socks as mittens - she was in such a good mood. The TV totally had her attention!

xoxox