i know you don't know her!!

Seriously, I adore her!!

Little Known Jossalyn Facts:

She loves to dance to either Bad Religion or A Day to Remember in the car

When it's bed time she will look at you and say "One Ep-e-soad" because she knows she is allowed to watch "one episode" of Dora before bed

She will stand in front of the fish tank and yell "here fishy come see me"

If I play the same DVR'd Dora episodes too many times she will start to whine and say "I don't like this one"

If you ask her a question she doesn't know the answer to she puts her hand on her cheek and looks up and says "ummmmm" then puts her hands up and says "i don know" in a high pitched voice

She will wave at every person at a drive-thru (bank, pharmacy, food) and then when they wave back she'll say "HI - Im shy"

She will hum very loudly & high pitched "hmm hmm hmmmmm" and then say "I singing"

If she sneezes and you don't respond quick enough she will fake sneeze over and over and over again until you say "God bless you Jossalyn" and then she tilts her head and says so cute "Thank you very much"

If she bumps into something/one of if something/one is in her way she'll say "cooz me" for excuse me ... (if its because she bumped into the something/one she will then kiss it and say "there" and smile really big)

xoxox

-ME

So you think you know me?

Little Known Evie Facts:

I love the smell of lilacs

My favorite fruit is either watermelon or a really fresh peach that runs down your neck when you bite into it

I have 8 holes in my ears but rarely wear earrings

My favorite feeling is when someone is holding your hand and they rub your thumb softly with theirs

I get really motion sick - even as simple as swinging on a swing or watching a video game

I have been in love twice in my life & don't regret either situation

I am a sucker for someone who tells me more than just "you're beautiful"

I love people who give really amazing intense hugs

I love having someone whisper in your ear.  I'm trying to teach the Bean this.... it isn't going so swell yet

I am extremely pigeon toed

I had mononeucleosis and death pneomnia when I was a kid

I had the chicken pox TWICE, the second time was so bad it was under my eyelids

I learned how to play the violin when I was 3 

I also learned to snow ski and water ski at 3.  I was so small that my sister had to sit in the water and help me get up :)

I am a very picky eater - someone told me once recently I have the palate of a 5 year old

I can't chew gum and do ANYTHING else at the same time.  SERIOUSLY!  I will bite my cheek every. single. time

 

xoxox

-ME

i just want you to be loved... by yourself!

 

In the end you have to love yourself.  I thought about that today and came up with this, 

"Sometimes vanity isn't a bad thing.  It doesn't always have to be cocky & self indulgent.
Sometimes, vanity can just be being happy in your own skin."

While talk with a someone yesterday about self image & self worth I realized it is no longer a shock to hear that someone isn't proud to be themselves.  In our world it is almost expected for a young girl to feel ugly, fat, worthless, stupid ... you name it.  Worse yet if you are on the lucky end of the stick and are proud of being, you, then you are viewed as stuck-up, snotty, bitchy etc.  HOW SAD!  I have always had a few self imagine issues, most having to deal with my weight, but in general I have always pretty much liked being just me!  

I heard someone say once; "She just isn't as sure of herself as you are."  Almost as if that were a bad thing.   How is that our society has put such a stigma on self confidence and has thus glamorized insecurity?  Most women are not a size 2... most are a size 18 however that is now "Plus Sized" and considered fat by many. 

I have good days & bad days just like everyone else.  There are days I wake up and look in the mirror and think, "ugh" and then there are more days that when I look in the mirror I simply just smile.  I can walk out of the house is sweats and a t-shirt just as easily as I can all "dolled up".  I have parts of my body I loath; my stomach & thighs and there are parts I adore; my eyes & lips. 

Someone laughed at me because when Bean looks in the mirror she will either say, "Josie Pretty" or "Josie Perfect".  What is wrong with this?  What is wrong with teaching a little girl from the very beginning that she IS perfect just the way she is? I want nothing but for her to be confident & secure in her own skin.  My family has always given me a hard time with my weight, I know it is out of love & because they want the best for me, but that has really put a toll on my self-esteem.  I will not utterly refuse to allow this to happen to her by her own family.  

I kind of got off my path there, sorry.  Loving yourself isn't just about size & image.  It is about your personality and who you are at your core.

I am a very open, bubbly, people-person, emotional, stressed out but generally happy woman.  I AM ME.  I can not change me.  When I was a little girl my grandfather said to my mom once, "What are we going to do with her?" All because, like now, I talked all the time.  I was energetic and imaginative.  Her answer, "Nothing, that is who she is."  These are traits I see flowing from my little mini-me.  She loves life!  She talks from the moment she wakes until she is ready to fall asleep.  She loves to play with her dolls & anything else that is around.  She loves to pretend she is everything from a butterfly to a bad dragon, rawwr! 

I am ME and that is good enough and I wouldn't want it any other way!!

xoxox

-ME

all you need is love

I would wake up and start each day feeling fine.  Going through the motions of the day posed no problems for me; I was fine, felt fine, felt “normal,” but the moment the last ray of sunshine slyly seeped behind the horizon, it drug with it my soul, my unresisting soul; it did not kick and scream and struggle to be released as one would imagine; it went willingly, lifeless, as if it knew it was defeated.  At that exact moment, the moment the Vitamin D was no longer able to reach my fair skin, I turned emotionless and cold.  It was as if the setting sun was replaced by a dark cloud that washed over me nightly and everything I saw through my clear, blue eyes during the day, now looked a depressing shade of grey.  I would sit in the dark nursery and hear nothing but the loud rhythmic suck of this thing that was attached to my breast.  I could feel it’s heartbeat against my chest keeping time like a metronome; it’s breath bursting calmly out its nose onto my skin, but the only thing that I could not feel was the one thing that should have been most natural.  Love.

I can't imagine feeling like that now.  I can't believe that that is how I felt just two years ago.  It's hurtful still and raw.  When I think about it there is a large gapping spot in my heart where these beautiful emotions that I feel now should be etched in from when she was ting, helpless, needing and most of all deserving.

I can't go back and change it but I can move forward from this moment on and give her ever single second of every single day filled with as much love as possible.... Hand in Hand.

xoxox

-ME

i ove you mommy

I am a regular reader of several blogs.  Most of them are women with children within a few weeks (older or younger) than Bean.  I came to know these women from an online community that I frequented.  This morning she posted this:  

"A Prayer For My Daughter"

May she always know what she is worth, regardless of whether or not there is a man in her bed telling her so. May she never rationalize abusive behavior out of fear of being alone. May she make the hard choices that she knows in her heart are the right ones. May she love her own company enough that she cherishes her time spent by herself. May she be strong and secure enough that she does not need anyone else to make her feel whole and complete.

May she never settle.

And may I have the foresight and wisdom to raise her as a stronger woman than I will ever be.

I read that an instantly felt a sense of comfort in knowing that someone else wishes the same things for their daughter.  I would just like to add to it:

May she always feel loved and wanted by those who care most about her.  May she always know that she can come to me with the smallest to largest of problems and may she never doubt what she was put on this Earth for, whatever that may be!

 

Sadly, I may not be able to easily say, "I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you" 

and I will forever have to deal with that; however, now I can say without a shadow of doubt I LOVE YOU more than words can explain.  

I have and am doing everything for you.  Others may not agree but one day when you are old enough to understand and if and when you want to know, I will look at you and tell you everything you need to know and nothing that you shouldn't know.  But I will start with the words I pray you already know...... 

(After I saw the above picture was one of the first times I could admit to myself that I did love you 
and that I was okay with facing the obstacles I knew I would have to 
to give you everything I knew you deserved.)

 

.... I love you my little Bean and your daddy loves you too, no matter what!! 

xoxox

-ME

(**all photos except the side-by-side are by SadieHigs Photography**)

I'll beg you nice from my knees

While talking to my lovie (Alex)  today I told her that emotions are not always rational.  Often times I will know the reality of what is happening; however, I will feel completely different about the situation.  My emotions are usually extreme.  Very one side or the other.  Right now I feel as if my heart is teetering on the edge.  Its like watching a piece of glass that has fallen and all you can do is stand and listen as it quickly echos "tink tink tink tink".  And your left waiting to see if it shatters into a million pieces or lands safely. 

I feel as if my days are spent hitting "refresh" over & over again.  Waiting for something different.  Waiting for change.

It's amazing to me though that I have ignored my once amazing, freeing, advice and made a new guideline for this situation. 

Why?  Who is it benefiting?  

You?  Me?  Anyone?

Einstein said, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

So why is it that we all do the same things over & over again?  Why is it that we allow those around us to do this and not be held accountable?  Oh, accountability - a word that some don't even allow into their vocabulary.  

Do you ever think back and wonder where everything went wrong??  

I do and I know where.... but lets just keep pretending.  
I'm done.

xoxox

-ME

follow the yellow brick road

If life were only this easy.  

I have four or five different posts started but just haven't finished them and can not decide which post to go with next so I am just going to start fresh.

I have a real mix of emotions right now.  Each one of them is almost to its boiling point and I don't know which one is going to pour over first.

I have gotten a better control over my anxiety as of late however tonight it is in full force.  Its dark, cold, windy and my mind is racing.  

The Bean an I had a fantastic day & evening however she stayed up an hour past her bedtime and fought me to go to sleep.  I hate these kinds of nights.  It's nights like these where a partner would come in handy.  Someone to take over and try a different angle.  Someone to reassure me that I am not a bad guy and being a "mean mommy" by making her go to bed.  

But, alas I am alone.  

I am having an extremely hard time focusing my attention lately and finals are in two weeks!! I have a LOT of writing to do and every single time I get a spare moment to do it I just... go blank.  My migraines are becoming more and more frequent and I am overly tired during the day.  EVERY day.  I would love to blame it on PMS but something tells me it is more than just that.  I seriously have to get my motivation/attention up or this semester is going to go south quickly!

I have a few bad habits recently that I would also like to break.  A few rituals or daily routines that aren't helping my stress and anxiety.  I have tried very hard over the past few years to understand that I can only control ME.  I can not control anyone else or their actions, motions, motivations, emotions, feelings etc.  so why I still continue to let things get to me is beyond my comprehension. 

I feel like my heart and mind are being pulled in a million different directions.  I am lost, confused and hurt.  Most of these are self inflicted, others are long term damages and some are still very raw and fresh.  Honestly, I don't understand how the heart can be so careless.  I often question myself and ask why.  However, the why is the one thing I can't answer. 

I know that there is more than one person who is reading this now that causes me to screen my words thus thinking before typing.  This is something that irks me.  It bothers me that I have to be cautious of my true emotions, to save someone elses.  The fact that I now have to have a verbal filter on my blog, my therapy, is mind boggling.  It is now basically useless because I can not be truthful.  I could make it private and you would have to have "invited" to read this.  I just can not justify that yet since I look at this predicament like this ... if you are looking and see something you do not like you have two choices; either don't come back or do not complain if you do because it is your choice to continue to read.

phew... now that that is out in the open maybe I can follow my own guidelines!!

xoxox

-ME

as we all fall from grace

When I talk to people about my current situation the normal response of everyone is, 

"Well, at least you have Jossalyn."

Yes, I do.  Yes, I love her.  Yes, she makes me smile and laugh every single day.  Yes, everyday I fall more and more in awe of her.  Yes, she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  Yes, I can't imagine ever "Putting her back" now.   

I had an entire post written about this topic and BLOGGER deleted it so this is all you're getting tonight because I can barely keep my eyes open now so I'll re-write it tomorrow.

xoxox

-ME

tell me no stories; this way you can tell me no lies.

I feel as if I have a stamp on my forehead that says: FOOLISH.   

My therapist says I am very "self-aware" which makes having emotions like this double sided.  Meaning, realistically I know these are not true but I allow myself to fall into situations where in the end I can be nothing but hurt. 

 I hate this.
I hate being so emotional.
I hate feeling scared.
I hate being so confused.

I have a lot of character flaws, as most of us as humans do.  However, selfishness is not one of them.  One day I will be.  One day I will be able to stand up and fight for something I want.

Whether it be selfish or not.

But, now is not that time & this is not that fight.  I wish it were but it can not be.  It is easy to put up a mask and hide behind it and continually say "I'm okay" but on the inside feel like you are standing in the middle of Time Square screaming "HELP" at the top of your lungs.  

Growing up one of my biggest fears was always, being alone.  Not as in stranded on a deserted island somewhere alone but not having someone there to sit next to you at dinner, talk to at the end of the day or feel breathing next to you in bed, alone.  My great-grandfather passed away when I was just a baby and my great-grandmother lived for well over a decade after that.... alone.  I will never forget when I was about 16 or 17 I drove her home from Easter dinner and as we were walking to the car I asked her how she was feeling.  Her response has stuck with me for all of these years; "I can't hear, I can't see, I'm depressed and alone but other than that I'm okay."  My heart sunk.  I can remember being a little girl and laying in bed at night waiting to drift off to sleep and feeling what I now know is anxiety and near panic over the thought of this.  Growing old... alone.
  

"You should know things aren't always what they seem

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again"

xoxox
-ME

This is what it is like when you stare directly into the sun.

“Time is funny thing; a decade can flash by in an uneventful second.  And then in just 2 years, monumental things can happen.  Things you couldn't imagine happening in a million years."  - Sex in the City 2
 
I sat down and turned on the TV tonight for the first time in what seems like forever.  When I hit the play button on the DVR this was the exact point in the movie where I had hit pause days ago.  As Carrie said these words it caught my full attention.  It was like she was speaking of exactly my life; minus the fact that my last decade has been all but uneventful.

The past two years have been, for lack of a better word, dramatic.

I don't know why it always seems like I can't get away from the "D" word but it seems to surround completely control my life.  I loath it.  I can't stand the feeling of it and what comes of it.  D-R-A-M-A.  I have an overabundance of it in my life and I wish that it would just kindly walk out the door and stay away.

Monumental things have happened in two years:

• I had Jossalyn (well 2 1/2 years ago if you ask her)
• I had horrid PPD 
• I found out Derek was having an affair
• I fall into a very strange emotional place
• Derek & I tried to work things out after his grandmother passes
• Things fall back apart with us
• I lose touch with my two best-friends
• I find out Derek is sick... well maybe
• Derek & I tried to work things out again around the time his grandfather passes
• I quit my full-time job and go back to school
• Things fall back apart with us
• Derek moves to Erie
• I find out that She (That's how I'll describe Derek's "girlfriend" so to not invade her privacy) is also living in Erie and working at the same place as he is
• Derek & I try yet again
• Derek goes to Vegas in December 2010 (on a trip I paid for) and I find out that She is there as well.  I go with my "sister/best-friend" Rayanne (introductions later) to the airport to see if they come out of the terminal into baggage claim together.  VERY LONG, detailed story cut short - I am sure I am on YouTube somewhere because I made a huge scene and left him in the middle of the airport and told him She could take him home because I was done
• Derek convinces everyone (including myself to an extent) that She just so happened to be on the same plane because she caught a connecting flight back into Pittsburgh from L.A. ....   hmmm, riiiiiiiiiight!  (Yes, that is loaded with as much sarcasm as I can possibly denote to a single word)   Derek shows a plane ticket to his Aunt (never to me) that shows that She boarded in L.A.  
• Yet again, Derek & I try to work things out
• Christmas comes & goes and Derek goes back to Erie
• I go to Erie the weekend before Valentine's Day and Derek and I have our last falling out.  I will detail that later because it deserves its own post. (This is the last time (as of today) that Derek had seen Jossalyn)
• I come back home & within the 3 hour drive home I realize I am DONE
• I file for Divorce
• I file for full legal & physical custody of Jossalyn (because of Derek's reaction)
• Justin & I reconnect
• Justin & I say "Good-Bye"

Seriously, there is so much more but that is just the basics.  There are still health issues with me, family matters, financial issues and so so so much more.  But seriously wow!

My favorite professor, Dr. Natali, stood up infront of us on our first day of this semester and said,
"I hate drama, please don't bring it to me, I try to avoid it at all cost"
I couldn't help but to chuckle to myself and think, "HA - I AM Drama"

Sad.... but oh so true!

I want to go back to this place, this time.... Happy, Drama-Free (but oh so NOT). 

If only time flew like a dove.... Lets make it last forever.

xoxox

-ME

One of my favorite moments in life are when Bean falls asleep in the car and its sunny out and I can take a few moments to just.... sit.  There isn't anything else I can do at that moment but soak in some Vitamin D.

Windows down... Feet out... Eyes closed... RELAX!

(This is going to be a short post because I don't want to go into what I am going to post tomorrow because I'm starting to get "eye rubbing" tired and it'll take to long to get it all out so I leave you on a happy note!)

xoxox

-ME

... So Sing Along for Me Baby ...

I hate night time.

I hate the feeling of being alone.

I hate the feeling of the sun going down & feeling so isolated.

I love having no one to answer to.

I love the ability to get up and go whenever I want (given that Bean is awake & able).

I love being able to sit in complete silence... sometimes.

You would think that I would be used to this.  Used to being alone.

Well... 

I am certainly not.  

I hate the loneliness. 

I hate the silence (when I desire it be able to look over and talk to someone). 

Understand that I'm not talking about when Beanie is awake.  If you know her there is NO silence when she is around.  This is after 9pm.  After my "mommy duties" are over and she is asleep.  This is after I have showered, lotioned, dressed, loved on & put to bed the Bean.  This is after I have picked up the house, did a load of laundry and/or dishes, homework, got both of our clothes ready for the next day, her lunchbox if its a T, W or F and am sitting down unwinding.  This is the time when I feel it.  I feel the anxiety creeping up in my chest and my heart-rate  starts to elevate and my blood pressure starts pulsing faster.

Night time for me = anxiety, depression, fear, hate, loneliness and all those yucky feelings that come along with it.

Waiting until my eyes are so heavy that I can barely hold them open and am rubbing them (more than usual) to focus so that when I climb into my bed alone I am not awake long enough to even sit and think about being alone.

Technically, I have been alone since July 3rd, 2009.  Sure there were many nights since then when Derek & I were trying to work things out that we stayed together.  There was a time period when he stayed here with us; although, he would pack a duffel bag to bring stuff back & forth from his trailer.  (This was a big issue for me because it felt like we were a hotel)  As well, there were short periods of time where we stayed at the trailer and then one long period (end of Oct- to beginning of Jan) when our house was occupied by my grandparents then our bathroom was being remodeled and the house was being cleaned so it was allergy safe for Bean... but anyways more often than not when we stayed at the trailer he slept on the couch and I in the bed so even then I was sleeping alone.

It is just an overwhelming feeling.

Not just to be alone not but to be alone and feel so out of place.  Like I don't belong anywhere really.  I know that sounds crazy because I have the most amazing family & friends but it is on a very personal level.  

The two people who have been most prominent in my life I can not speak to any longer:

one because of my own doing 
&
the other because of something beyond my control.

There is not a good place to end this post and I'm getting to the "eye rubbing" stage so I will continue more tomorrow; probably a happier post with another introduction!

xoxox

-ME

Walking back with my tail between my legs...

So life has quite obviously gotten in my way of blogging but due to a long list of events that have happened in my small little world recently, I have decided that picking back up may be a life-saver useful tool for me since my anxiety & stress levels are a tad on the high side.

I'd like you to introduce one of my favorite people, Alex.  I call her my "lovie".  She told me something that has really opened my eyes and helped me assess a few situations in my life recently that have been difficult to understand.

"There are three types of friends", she said.

1. Friends for a season.
2. Friends for a reason.
3. Friends for a life-time.

  

The past few years have been rather difficult for me and have been very trying for those around me as well.  I am not one who is able to keep my emotions under wrap.  I have always worn my emotions on my sleeve and have always been one that looks to friends for advice or just an ear.  I am a talker - if you know me IRL this is no big surprise.  I was always bringing home report cards that said "talks too much in class" so this isn't something new.  I like to talk things out; I like to talk things out OVER & OVER again.  I feel it somehow helps me cope or understand what is happening to me. 

I am going to attempt to over the next few post basically re-introduce myself, introduce some people who are significant in my life and use this as an outlet to get some frustrations as well as saddening moments off my chest.  

I am also going to continue to as always give updates on The Bean.  

Because of course -  

"she is worth it all"

xoxox

- Me