tell me no stories; this way you can tell me no lies.

I feel as if I have a stamp on my forehead that says: FOOLISH.   

My therapist says I am very "self-aware" which makes having emotions like this double sided.  Meaning, realistically I know these are not true but I allow myself to fall into situations where in the end I can be nothing but hurt. 

 I hate this.
I hate being so emotional.
I hate feeling scared.
I hate being so confused.

I have a lot of character flaws, as most of us as humans do.  However, selfishness is not one of them.  One day I will be.  One day I will be able to stand up and fight for something I want.

Whether it be selfish or not.

But, now is not that time & this is not that fight.  I wish it were but it can not be.  It is easy to put up a mask and hide behind it and continually say "I'm okay" but on the inside feel like you are standing in the middle of Time Square screaming "HELP" at the top of your lungs.  

Growing up one of my biggest fears was always, being alone.  Not as in stranded on a deserted island somewhere alone but not having someone there to sit next to you at dinner, talk to at the end of the day or feel breathing next to you in bed, alone.  My great-grandfather passed away when I was just a baby and my great-grandmother lived for well over a decade after that.... alone.  I will never forget when I was about 16 or 17 I drove her home from Easter dinner and as we were walking to the car I asked her how she was feeling.  Her response has stuck with me for all of these years; "I can't hear, I can't see, I'm depressed and alone but other than that I'm okay."  My heart sunk.  I can remember being a little girl and laying in bed at night waiting to drift off to sleep and feeling what I now know is anxiety and near panic over the thought of this.  Growing old... alone.
  

"You should know things aren't always what they seem

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again"

xoxox
-ME