all you need is love

I would wake up and start each day feeling fine.  Going through the motions of the day posed no problems for me; I was fine, felt fine, felt “normal,” but the moment the last ray of sunshine slyly seeped behind the horizon, it drug with it my soul, my unresisting soul; it did not kick and scream and struggle to be released as one would imagine; it went willingly, lifeless, as if it knew it was defeated.  At that exact moment, the moment the Vitamin D was no longer able to reach my fair skin, I turned emotionless and cold.  It was as if the setting sun was replaced by a dark cloud that washed over me nightly and everything I saw through my clear, blue eyes during the day, now looked a depressing shade of grey.  I would sit in the dark nursery and hear nothing but the loud rhythmic suck of this thing that was attached to my breast.  I could feel it’s heartbeat against my chest keeping time like a metronome; it’s breath bursting calmly out its nose onto my skin, but the only thing that I could not feel was the one thing that should have been most natural.  Love.

I can't imagine feeling like that now.  I can't believe that that is how I felt just two years ago.  It's hurtful still and raw.  When I think about it there is a large gapping spot in my heart where these beautiful emotions that I feel now should be etched in from when she was ting, helpless, needing and most of all deserving.

I can't go back and change it but I can move forward from this moment on and give her ever single second of every single day filled with as much love as possible.... Hand in Hand.

xoxox

-ME