follow the yellow brick road

If life were only this easy.  

I have four or five different posts started but just haven't finished them and can not decide which post to go with next so I am just going to start fresh.

I have a real mix of emotions right now.  Each one of them is almost to its boiling point and I don't know which one is going to pour over first.

I have gotten a better control over my anxiety as of late however tonight it is in full force.  Its dark, cold, windy and my mind is racing.  

The Bean an I had a fantastic day & evening however she stayed up an hour past her bedtime and fought me to go to sleep.  I hate these kinds of nights.  It's nights like these where a partner would come in handy.  Someone to take over and try a different angle.  Someone to reassure me that I am not a bad guy and being a "mean mommy" by making her go to bed.  

But, alas I am alone.  

I am having an extremely hard time focusing my attention lately and finals are in two weeks!! I have a LOT of writing to do and every single time I get a spare moment to do it I just... go blank.  My migraines are becoming more and more frequent and I am overly tired during the day.  EVERY day.  I would love to blame it on PMS but something tells me it is more than just that.  I seriously have to get my motivation/attention up or this semester is going to go south quickly!

I have a few bad habits recently that I would also like to break.  A few rituals or daily routines that aren't helping my stress and anxiety.  I have tried very hard over the past few years to understand that I can only control ME.  I can not control anyone else or their actions, motions, motivations, emotions, feelings etc.  so why I still continue to let things get to me is beyond my comprehension. 

I feel like my heart and mind are being pulled in a million different directions.  I am lost, confused and hurt.  Most of these are self inflicted, others are long term damages and some are still very raw and fresh.  Honestly, I don't understand how the heart can be so careless.  I often question myself and ask why.  However, the why is the one thing I can't answer. 

I know that there is more than one person who is reading this now that causes me to screen my words thus thinking before typing.  This is something that irks me.  It bothers me that I have to be cautious of my true emotions, to save someone elses.  The fact that I now have to have a verbal filter on my blog, my therapy, is mind boggling.  It is now basically useless because I can not be truthful.  I could make it private and you would have to have "invited" to read this.  I just can not justify that yet since I look at this predicament like this ... if you are looking and see something you do not like you have two choices; either don't come back or do not complain if you do because it is your choice to continue to read.

phew... now that that is out in the open maybe I can follow my own guidelines!!

xoxox

-ME